Category Archives: Articles

Why Listening Makes for Great Sex

The clitoris is not a button…it is a truth-teller.

When a woman is not admitting what she really wants in life or in her relationship, her clitoris will also hold back its full engorgement. And, when a man is not really getting a woman, her clit’s responsiveness will decrease. But, a man who is listening can feel when a woman’s true enthusiasm is coming out because her turn-on sparks, and so does her clit.

Most of us, both women and men, know how to use a clit to get ourselves or our partners off: we rub the button! And, we miss its many subtle signals.

How do we learn to speak the clit’s language? After all, a clit has a wealth of information. And, a clit will never lie.

We start by savoring the clit. Like savoring anything else, we slow down and notice the tiniest details. Where does the clit develop a little bump or a dimple? Those are key sensitive spots! Stroking these pencil-points of high sensation separately is thrilling.

Second, we notice changes in engorgement as they occur. And, we notice changes in engorgement day to day. The clit’s responsiveness increases as a woman steps into her desires in all of life.

Third, we’re curious. Often, women haven’t even admitted to themselves what they really want. So, we experiment with different options (in life as well as in the bedroom). We stay in a place of discovery!

Tap into your curiosity today,…and take a moment to tune in to a clit the next time you encounter one.

Approval Invites Intimacy

You know that feeling when you look into someone’s eyes and they appreciate you, they approve of you? Approving of someone or something is seeing that they are right just the way they are right now. When we approve of the other, we soften and open. Likewise, as they feel our approval, they soften and open. Approval is the pathway to intimately encountering the other.

To wish someone were different is to impose our ideas onto them. Wanting someone to be different than they are is alienating, even violent. Evaluating someone prioritizes our mental idea of how they “should be” over who they actually are.

Approval is more than letting go of our ideas with nonattachment. Approval takes the next step and carries the certitude that reality is unfolding exactly as it should. The person before us could be no other way; in fact, they should be exactly the way they are right now for life’s perfect unfolding.

When we engage with approval, the intimacy, pleasure, and vibrancy of a rich and fulfilling sexual encounter opens up to us. We approve of our partner, of our moment-by-moment sensations, of ourselves, and of our desires. We approve. And, we intimately experience all the aspects of this moment evolving into the perfect next moment.

Giving Everything to a Woman?

Giving a Woman Everything She Wants is NOT doing everything she says!!!!

Women are conditioned not to ask for what they want. So, they ask for less. Or they ask for something else.

Since our culture negatively labels women who go for “too much,” women are stuck in a conundrum. How can they get everything they want and still keep a respectable image? Women like men to “force” them into having more pleasure than they are willing to ask for.

How can a man figure out what a woman really wants? Sometimes the best response is to give a woman more than what she asked for because she probably just asked for less than she wanted (for example, “No, I don’t really care about celebrating my birthday….”)

A man may need to decipher what the request is really for. A woman may ask for more help with cleaning the house when she really wants a long vacation away from the house.

Sometimes a woman is making lots of demands as a way of channeling her sexual energy. What she really wants may be for the man to challenge her and demand her to please him in some way. She may want to be taken.

So, how can we know what she really wants?

When a man is open and attentive to a woman, he can feel when her turn-on is increasing. He can feel when he is on the right track. He can make several offers and feel what is truly aligned with a woman’s desires. A woman picks a man because she intuitively wants what he has to offer.

So, giving a woman everything she wants requires subtle attending to oneself and to the women and feeling her turn-on grow. What a woman wants is not necessarily what she says.


Whether we are single or in a couple, we feel more desirable at times and less desirable at other times. And, by and large, other people take their cues from us! It doesn’t take very long after meeting someone that we can read their confidence level, their comfort with their body, and their sense of their own desirability. And, they can read the same about us. Whether we realize it or not, we are broadcasting loud and clear all the time.

So, how do we increase our own sense of our desirability? Most often we think it has to do with whether or not our body is in the range of what we consider desirable. However, if we stop to consider, we have all seen someone well outside of this range who seemed very desirable, even luscious. Our body isn’t always the determining factor.

When we are doing things that increase our sense of self-worth (like working out, eating well, accomplishing what is important to us, connecting with people we care about) we are more likely to feel desirable. But, even this doesn’t always work especially if we are sabotaging our efforts by trying to “fix” ourselves and focusing on ourselves as though we were a problem.

What is the key?

Approval and enjoyment are the key. When I focus on the things I like about myself and my life, something inside relaxes. When I take it to the next level and actually give myself permission to cherish myself and my life, I am happy to be me and open the door for others to cherish me.

Now how can this approval and enjoyment permeate our being to include our sexual selves? We start by considering what we like about the way we partner with another. What do we like about our love-making? What is there to cherish in what we bring to a relationship and how we pair with another?

As we take pleasure in our ability to couple with another, we spark the light of our desirability. We wonder at the miracle of how love uniquely expresses itself through us. We delight in our partnering… and unconsciously we tap into our full desirability.

Embracing Desire Without Attachment

What are your relationship, dating, or sensual goals for 2013? What are you too afraid to admit to yourself? What would be so good that you’ve never dared to risk going for it?

Our desires and longings are part of our make-up. We can suppress them, we can negotiate with them, we can get depressed about them, we can play with them, we can share them unabashedly. And, we can treasure them without attachment.

How do we hold desires lightly so that they direct us without being attached? A wise mentor taught me:

  1. Show up
  2. Be present
  3. Tell your truth
  4. Have no investment in the outcome

Personally, one of my favorite things is to be held. I feel warm, connected, and home when I am in my partner’s arms. Yet, I was in an 11-year relationship with someone who didn’t like to cuddle! I used the principles above, and now I have a partner who cherishes our holding time as much as I do. We both bathe in the love and well-being that our cuddling brings. And, since then I have followed these steps with many other desires, and one-by-one they are being fulfilled beyond my hopes and dreams.

This is not a one-step journey. It is a matter of taking each step with courage. I show up authentically without attachment over and over. Sometimes I fall back into hiding and people-pleasing. But, I have learned that love is far more abundant than I ever imagined. In fact, most people thrill at the opportunity to love someone who shows their soft underbelly. The more vulnerable I become, the more love shows up in my life.